How not to have a conversation with your Ex Boyfriend

The first lesson in the basics of 'Thermodynamics' is that energy can never be created or destroyed simply TRANSFERRED.

By the time someone reads this Blog it will perhaps have been butchered beyond it's original rendition. I can never simply type something and let it alone; leaving well enough alone is not in my nature. I wish it were paper, that I could simply circle the flaws with big red felt tip pen or cross out the places I'd rather not include and show you what I mean, but I can't. Instead, I will try to type this with as much continuity and frankess as possibly. Hopefully whatever criticism I always feel that I have to convey my message feelings to my audience people friends with as much accuracy veracity to the jumble going on in my head as possible.

As much as I think I have tried to push a person away I realize that doesn't remove any affection I have for them. Out of sight, out of mind...that only works to a certain degree. With such a mutable uncertain and inconsistant thing as love you can never be too sure. You can toss a stone down a well full of maxims pertaining to love and almost every one you hit could conflict with the one before it. Because 'Out of sight, out of mind' can't get him out of your my heart.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Too often I've tried to betray my feelings by adhering to logic; thinking that my screwy emotional problems are masking the right decisions for me causing me to make irrational decisions. Maybe I was wrong, maybe my pride is making me emotionally stunted or inept in some way. Okay, I have to back track because unless I explain why I am writing this blog no one will understand.

06/07/2006 Andys 25th Birthday.

I think I maintain healthy relationships with my ex's if by healthy you mean spending random weekends at their homes for sexual excursions, wanting to ignore responsibility and one anothers life obligations to just be unnecessary time with one another that leads to getting physical. I'm always riding that blurred line between friend and friend with benefits when it comes to the recycling ex's bin. So I called Andy this morning to wish him a Happy Birthday...below you will find the basics of the Conversation. (This is not verbatim)

**Ring, Ring**

Not Andy: Hello?
Not Andy:...Um..Hello?
Justin: Hello? Um, Is Andy there?
N.A.: Yeah, one second.
Andy: *Groggy* Yeah?
J: Hey, Happy Birthday, Thump. Who was that?
A:Who...Oh, hey J.
J: Hey, how was your night? Who was that?
A: *Awkward Silence* Um..that was a friend..I had a crazy long Crazy night with a few people oh uh, Thanks for calling.
J: Yeah...Thanks for the awkward silence..hehe *(FACED!)*
A: Hehe
J: Well, I was wondering if Maybe you weren't doing anything you could stop by so I can give you your present?
*Guys Muttering in the background*

J: This seems like a bad time I'll talk to you later.
A: No, its okay. Just give me one second.
*Phone rings at work and I suddenly don't feel like answering it*

A: Hey, look. You have that voice...That Justin voice.
J: I have no other voice, it's my only one.
A: The Justin Passive Aggressive voice; It's not what you think.
J: I Don't.
A: Don't what?
J: Don't think, I just am. (I kinda do this philosophical thing when backed into an emotional corner)
A: *Does that thing where I can tell he's smiling on the other end of the phone...I kinda lose it*
J: You know I'm stupid right? That I make horrible decisions. It's kinda my Modus Operandi..
A: Justin...
J: So, did you guys...are you...You keep your phone charger beside your bed and plug it in before you go to bed. Did you move your phone charger last night?
A: *Understanding the question I'm actually asking and the possible consiquences ramifications of answering the question* No..
J:No?
A: No, I Left it plugged up beside my bed.

I can't white out my feelings or scratch out the time he and I shared. It's not that easy. I can write them down and pinpoint the places where we may have taken a wrong turn and correct the error but I don't know if I would of what difference it would make if any. If our relationship were on paper it would be torn and shredded only to be taped together again. It would be laden with red felt tip pen marks and circled events that meant MEAN something. All of this or a good 90% would have been made by me. Maybe if I weren't so obsessed with finding flaws in my life I'd be able to keep them things from being broken.

Right now as I type this there are two things that run through my mind...well two events.

1) My senior year at Gaithersburg Highschool I did a monologue from Macbeth for my Drama class. The teacher said I did exceptionally well that I really FELT the character; looking back I think it was the one part I felt the most

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

2) Joni Mitchell - I Could Drink A Case Of You. / Kinda a tear jerker.

"I remember that time you told me,
You said, Love is touching Souls
Surely you've touched mine.."




Me So Emo!!