Show Boxing, aka, "I have a defense mechanism?"

Some people don't, but I strongly believe that in life each of us is tested. There are trials placed before every person to test their will, perseverance, beliefs, courage, etc. etc. I feel most times that all of these things apply to me simply because I make up a percentage of the populous (also because it's MY belief). Given my strong convictions and moral standards you would think that I'm sailing down the Good ship lollipop with nothing but courage and constant optimism on my side; in most cases I would say "Sure", but when it comes to the possibility that my character or person is in jeopardy of being judged or rejected...my confidence goes down faster then the office whore at a holiday party.

My therapist would say, "Justin, you're insecurity stems from your lack of foundation as a kid. You were always searching for reassurance of yourself and confirmation of self worth. But you have to find confidence in yourself before other people can believe in you" and then I'd pretend to be extremely offended and say something like "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!" and laugh so she knows that I was making a joke. She'd snicker a bit and we'd completely overlook my humorous defense mechanism.

For someone that has such an extreme fear of failure I find that there's one area in particular that I just don't seem to succeed at; that would be the Successful relationship. Because I'm jaded and cynical I would say that a successful relationship is an oxymoron (hehe...oxymoron) but I've seen them. They are scarce and about as rare as the gentle wood thrush cockatoo from the island of Newguenee; a creature which I invented...just now...in my head. So being the over analytical person that I am I came up with a small list of areas in which my relationships failed, not because it's productive but because I'm an emotional masochist and nothing says "Ouch that hurts...soooo good" like staring into the onyx abyss of personal doubt and insecurities that led to the systematic disintegration of each relationship. Rather than boring you with the details lets just say that it all ultimately led to the discovery of trust issues and not just trusting my boyfriends but trusting myself. Trusting my judgment about when to be strong and stand my ground or when to fold and say "You're right" or "I'm sorry". Trusting my feelings regarding work, finance, family, or even buying clothes is Cake; but trusting them when it comes to my heart is another story entirely. Not to name, names (Because that's tasteless) but it's hard to know that you have feelings for a guy and feel stunted because you're afraid they'll reject you. So I've decided not to do that anymore.

In closing, I have a statement that I would like to read on behalf of the guilty party in question.

"Hello, I am Justin's 'Crippling fear of Rejection' I am formally resigning and leaving my post; I will not be giving two weeks notice, my resignation is affective immediately. All matters of the heart (or otherwise) will be left in the competent hands of Justin's 'Hubertus Overweening Pride (CEO)' and his associate Justin's 'Guilt Free Feeling of Self worth' who will be in charge of production and distribution of 'Dopamine' to the cardiovascular system. For all parties who feel that while under my leadership the institute has been led astray I am sorry, but please know that, in the words of John Lennon (I'm Guessing) "The Revolution is Here"